sugarcane in the easy morning

So I've deleted every blog post I've ever posted! I just read through my blog and realized that I really need to start over.. with this blog, among other things.

I don't know if anyone can fully understand how amazing this feels. Just to sit down on my couch, writing about my problems, because since the beginning of summer I have been go-go-go, with no time to rest, and I just realized it. First it was NYLC, and then the shore, and then Cape Cod... vacations, yes, but anything but relaxing. Then the school year started before I knew it, and I was just thrown into a million other activities... let's see if I can remember them all. There was jazz band, starting the second week of school and taking up much of my time. Honors Wind Ensemble, every Wednesday that lasted for four hours. Area All-State, NYSBDA and All-County applications / auditions. My friend's parties, as well as planning my own. Visiting my sister in the city, and making time for her when she came home. Applefest, football games, tests, quizzes... I've been booked for quite some time. This weekend was no exception. I played hookie on Friday and saw HSM3, which was phenomenal, and then helped Jessica set up for her party all day. Then I attented said party and came home, had a nap, and went to babysit. Today is the first day I've had nothing to do, and I'm planning on going to the forest of fear with Meghan tonight, which should be fun.

This whole school year has been nothing but shit to me. I'm not trying to be selfish, or thinking that I'm the only one who has been negatively effected by this year so far. Really, I understand that this year has been hard on everyone. But for the last three weeks, I've been mindlessly going through school, coming home, doing homework and going to bed as soon as I can to make up for lost time on the weekends. The other day, when I had a really terrible day, my parents called me into the living room to talk with me. They didn't know what was wrong, and why they hadn't seen me smile in four weeks like they usual do. I didn't even really realize until then how terrible my life had become in such a short amount of time. I hated my friends, school, I wasn't eating, attending church, or enjoying music anymore. It was the worst time of my life, but I didn't fully realize it until my mom asked me what was wrong... because I didn't know what to tell her. Everything was wrong. I cried for hours and didn't even think about bed until eleven (which, for those of you who know me, is far later than I ever stay up on school nights.) My mom gave me the most simplistic, yet appreciated advice I have ever recieved. "You need to stop dwelling on the multiple bad things that happen in your day and appreciate the positives, no matter how small they are."

That seemed impossible at the time, because for every positive thing that happened to me, a million negative things would occur as well. But I started taking her advice the very next day. Mr. Persad asked me to babysit his kids. I got a 97 on my science test. I can't even remember what terrible things happened that day, though I know there were some, because I didn't want to. And it's helped.

But during those terrible weeks, no one helped me more than my beloved band director, Mr. Persad. For some reason, he can always tell when something is off with me, even moreso than my best friend could. I was able to talk to him about everything and he made me feel so much better. He is the only person I can thank for getting me through that week... no one else seemed to care or notice.

But whatever. Those times are in the past now. I'm over them.

I have some things to look forward to now:
1.) My brother is going to ashokan tomorrow. I'm an only child for the next week!
2.) Halloween is on Friday, which I'm pretty pumped for.
3.) Harvest Queen is coming up soon. I'm excited for that also.
4.) After Harvest queen, my brother and sister's birthdays, along with Thanksgiving, will consume my life. Then Christmas and New Years, and then me and Meghan's sweet sixteen party.

I'm excited and kind of dreading everything on that list.

I really miss my sister.

But due to my absence on Friday, I have excessive amounts of homework to do. Maybe I'll be back later to fill you in on some more things in my pointless life.

-Kerianne